Lately, I’ve realised that the main reason I’m feeling so shit is because I’m not part of a group. I would be telling all this to an adult in my life, but unfortunately they either have their own kids (and I therefore don’t want to bother them) or they don’t grasp the issue.

Or maybe there isn’t an issue, and it’s just me being silly. 

At college, I have loads of friends. They’re people I truly care about and find funny, caring and relatable. Despite this, I still don’t feel part of a group. If it’s the fact I’m not on the orchestra, or if it’s the fact I never see any of them outside of college, I feel utterly separated from them.           

 I’m too scared to message them and say “hey, we should all meet up and do something during the summer holidays!”, and this just means I’ll feel like shit when they all go out and don’t invite me along.

I’m terrified that at A2, if classes change, I’ll be even less incorporated into the group. I’ll be even more of a desperate loner, awkwardly hanging on at the edge of a group.                                                        

 The worry of not being accepted even stems to the future. I want to be a teacher and a musician, both of which involve being members of a team. I want to do a year’s work experience before uni, but I’m too scared to ask if I’m allowed because I feel as if I’ll be laughed out of the music department.

Maybe my expectation of friendship is unrealistic for a person my age. I expect that friends go out every so often, have a get together and a catch up.                  Perhaps I’m just selfish, and this desire to be a part of something is my psychological egoism breaking through My otherwise altruistic principles. 

Who cares? 

I don’t expect this to be read, this is just an attempt to feel less shitty.

-A. Bluegown